The Four Agreements Part 3 - Don’t Take Anything Personally
This is a multi-part Series
If you haven't read Part 1 and Part 2 Please read it here.
In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz’s idea of "Don't Take Anything Personally" is profoundly liberating. It means that people’s words and actions are often more about them—their own struggles, beliefs, and experiences—than about you.
If you haven't yet, check out this video at minute 2:28 - 4:00, which beautifully illustrates this idea.
When It’s Hard Not to Take Things Personally
There was a point in my life when I felt completely beaten down. I was constantly passed over for bigger opportunities at work, dismissed by men, and pressured by my parents to get married. Each of these rejections felt like a personal attack.
I internalized every interaction. Every setback fed the Judge in my mind—the voice that criticized and tore me down. (Going back to the earlier point: words are powerful.)
Even small, distant memories surfaced. Like the time I was a kid, crying in the corner, and my parents put me outside on the porch. I took that personally and held onto it for years, letting it shape how I saw myself.
Shifting Perspective
It’s easy to forget that in everyone’s mind, they’re the star of their own movie, and the rest of us are just co-stars. When I started seeing things from that perspective, I realized that everyone has their own version of a story, their own lens shaped by personal experiences.
As a child, I held onto that moment for years, but my parents may have seen it differently. Was my father up all night, consumed with worry about bills, only to be jolted awake by my cries? Did my mother stay silent out of fear of upsetting him? While my parents might not even remember that incident, it affected me deeply, shaping who I became. If I hadn’t taken it so personally, would it have changed how I carried that experience forward?
People—especially those closest to you—don’t always mean harm. Often, they act out of their own insecurities, fears, or needs. The question is: how will you choose to see it?
When I continued to take things personally, it only deepened the cycle of self-criticism. The Judge inside grew louder with every perceived slight, convincing me that I was unworthy. Even when I tried not to take things personally with my mother, I’d say something that she would take personally, which would then make me feel guilty—and, in turn, I’d take that personally, further trapping us in a cycle of unworthiness.
Finding Freedom
Ultimately, how we perceive the world is shaped by our lived experiences, and these experiences influence how we affect those around us. But here’s the thing: you have a choice. Are you going to internalize someone else’s pain, fear, or frustration and make it your own?
Or will you realize that their actions are not a reflection of your worth?
When you stop taking things personally, you free yourself from unnecessary emotional weight. You stop internalizing negativity or judgment and can stay grounded in your own truth, unshaken by the opinions of others.
This was the most significant shift for me: realizing that I have the power to respond to the world without letting it define me. Other people’s actions and words are theirs—not mine.
