The Silent Struggle: Finding Freedom in Expression

As a child, one of my core memories was crying in the closet in the middle of the night. I thought the clothes would absorb the sound, making me invisible to the world. Moments later, my upset father opened the closet door, took me out, and placed me on the porch.

Soon after, my mother emerged, instructing me to "Nín." I tried to comply, but the emotions were overwhelming. "Nín" meant more than just stopping tears; it meant holding in everything — tears, feelings, emotions.

I don't recall what triggered my tears that night, but I remember the suffocating feeling of having to hold it all in.

That moment taught me that no one would rescue me; my only option was to contain it all.

So I did. For years, I bottled up everything, showing only the positive while burying the negative.

So that’s what I did for most of my life. I held everything in. Only showing the good things, and not talking about the bad things. It helped me for most of my life. When people would make fun of me, I would keep my mouth shut, I smiled, nodded, and kept the feeling inside me. When I was in a relationship keeping it from my parents, the relationship became toxic. And I kept my mouth shut and held in all of my emotions. When he put me down, I kept my feelings inside.

It seemed to work until the pressure became unbearable in my late 20s. Working as a managing consultant, I learned concepts I couldn't apply. Dating brought rejection and self-doubt. My mother's expectations weighed heavily — marry, have kids.

Suppressing it all led me to a numbness, seeking solace in temporary escapes like parties and alcohol. Therapy offered suggestions that didn't fit my family's dynamics. At one point I was telling the therapist what I thought she wanted to hear, again suppressing my feelings during the sessions.

Eventually, I fled. Quitting my job, I became a yoga teacher in Europe, seeking clarity. Writing my book became my release valve, channeling 27 years of pent-up emotions onto paper, freeing my emotions from loneliness and disconnection. The more I put on paper the more I felt it releasing out of me.

For a time, I thought that I was "fixed" I let out all my emotions, and I was done. I later realized, however, that when you've learned to "Nín" for most of your life, unconsciously you still do it until things get bottled up again, and then it releases again, at the most unforeseen times.

Suppressing emotions can work temporarily, but they demand release. What's your outlet? How do you cope?