The Burden of Perfection

The expectations and values of a perfect daughter are the following expectations

• Academic Excellence: We are expected to excel academically, achieving top grades 
• Career Success: We have a stable, prestigious, and financially rewarding job, such as medicine, engineering, law, or business.
• Cultural Competence: We have to be fluent in Vietnamese, knowing all about the cultural traditions, and respectful of familial and societal expectations, such as bowing 
• Filial Piety: We are dutiful and respectful towards our parents and elders, prioritizing our well-being and happiness above her own desires or aspirations.
• Appearance: We have to be skinny, dress conservatively, and always be put tother at all times. 
• Behaviors - We are to being polite, reserved, and avoiding confrontation 
• Marriage and Family: We are to marry young preferably right after college, and have children right away. 

These expectations form the foundation of my upbringing, shaping my struggles and self-perception. Despite striving to meet these standards, I often feel inadequate, caught in a cycle of performance and concealment. I filter everything that I say and do to my family.   

During holidays and visits home, I would gain enough energy to talk up my career, be well mannered, and showing only the positives in my life. I present a flawless facade, concealing the inner turmoil of living up to these expectations. Inside, the effort is draining, the charade exhausting.

My Theory

The fear of failure looms large, rooted in the belief that imperfection equals abandonment. In my previous post I talked about the actions taken if I was a shame on the family. I talked about the fear of being kicked out of the family. All of this has resulted to a simple theory. If I’m not perfect, or perceived to be perfect.  My parents will not love me.

My parents never showed love or affection in a way that was obvious growing up. They never said “I loved you.” They have said that Americans are quick to say it and throw you away like what boyfriends do. In my eyes, if I’m not perfect my parents are quick to throw me away at any opportunity of struggle. 

My mother would tell me growing up of a girl who got pregnant before marriage and how her mother wouldn’t look at her anymore. She saw her down the street and that mother crossed the street avoiding her daughter and grandchild. I was told that in my early teens as a precautionary tale on what not to do. To me it it instilled in me was in a time of need or struggle, my parents would be quick to throw me out of the house if I swayed from their ideals. 

Effect on Relationships

When I met my husband, I never thought I was going to get married. I marked it off as too much commitment and another level of expectations. I had established my independence for so long I didn’t want to change that. What I realized in being with him was that I was scared to show him all of me, the good and bad. From the relationship with my family, I came to the conclusion that everyone leaves, once expectations break. Once that happens they throw you away, just like my parents. I felt that if my parents are quick to throw me away, anyone else would feel the same.

Like a self professing prophecy, it happened to me every single relationship and friendship, I’ve ever been in prior.  So I kept a wall up. I remained my distance, I knew what to hide and what to show.

Being in Pandemic with someone broke down big walls because there was literally no where to go. We were in a bubble not being able to go anywhere else. For the first time, I showed someone my whole self, and he didn’t run, he didn’t throw me away, he didn’t reject it he accepted it. The love that I feel is something that I’ve never experienced before in a partner. Support.

Sometimes I wonder how different my relationship would be with my parents if I was able to show them my own self instead of only showing them the good side of me?

To me now, it’s too late, as too much has happened, but what about you?