The Seed of Shame
Nurturing the seed of Shame
In my early years, the concept of shame eluded me; I simply felt it as an unspoken desire to earn my parents' pride. However, praise was scarce, guided by a Vietnamese analogy "Hang de cang" (misspelled sounding out phonetically) praise a child too much, and they may stray.
Despite my efforts, criticism outweighed acknowledgment. Every misstep was met with harsh words, imprinting a belief of inadequacy and unworthiness. Repeatedly labelled as "stupid," questions and imperfections became synonymous with failure. My parents would say “I didn’t come to the states for you to be this stupid.” Why are you so dumb. Why can’t you do this? Why can’t you do anything right? All that related in my head as I’m not good enough.
The Burden of Expectations
Eighteen years of relentless criticism fostered a belief in my inherent insufficiency. The fear of failure, of not meeting my parent’s expectations, overshadowed my own personal growth.
I felt rushed all the time. I needed to get to these milestones to reach success. Graduate college, Get a Job, get married, have children.
I couldn’t question anything or take the time to think things through. I rather cheated in school knowing that the answers were right than to understand the concepts. Get good grades at any cost. Graduate university at any cost.
I stayed at a job that made me unhappy, finding a new job would mean I would have to start new. My parents instilled in me that if I worked hard I would get rewarded. If I complained, I needed to work even harder. I have a job that pays, and is consistent, and stable, what else can I ask for? I should be grateful that I have a job to begin with.
I stayed in relationships that were too toxic. I was with someone for too long. Even he instilled this fear in me that if I left, I would have no one. I was only going to be loved by him. He fed into my self loathing and fear. That he further made me believe that I wasn’t good enough. I should be thankful I was with him. No one was going to love such a piece of shit like me, and if I left, everyone would know it.
The risk was too high if I strayed from the path, so I stayed on that path but I built walls around me. If no one knew how my reality really was, then no one would shame me. If I hid everything, and shoved all of my feelings deep down and didn't talk about it, then it wouldn’t exist. I could ignore it.
Embracing Personal Growth
Suppressing emotions and experiences created a volatile internal struggle. Like a shaken soda bottle, the pressure built until I reached a breaking point. It took over two decades for me to confront my emotions. To be honest, it’s taking over a decade and onward to uproot the seeds of negativity planted in my psyche.
Shame, fear and depression was replaced with resentment, anger and anxiety marking a pivotal shift in my life. I resented my parents for putting me in a situation where I felt more fear than support. I was angry at everyone for allowing this to become our reality, a world where it’s normal and okay to hold on to everything, to focus on the end goal? I disconnected from everyone as a coping mechanism, a shield against further judgement and shame.
Acceptance
At one point, I accepted life for what it is, the good and bad. Although my parents' approach was rooted in survival and their cultural norms in Vietnam. They meant no ill intent or malice. They instilled in us the only things they knew in order to survive. While I grew up with the foundation of shame and fear. What it also gave me was discipline and grit. Something that helped me survive my life in The States.
Reflecting on this journey, I've learned that the process is as vital as the destination. Life's twists and turns, though daunting, offer opportunities for growth and self-discovery and putting the mind to ease that everything will be okay.
