Choosing Life over Shame

I’ve lived much of my life with the looming idea of having limited time on this Earth. But what happens when I choose not to end my life but to embrace it? Choosing life doesn’t just alter my daily existence or perspective—it fundamentally transformed my entire being.

I realized the pain my potential death would cause, a pain I don’t want to be the source of. That experience of losing my sister-in-law during the pandemic, made me understand I couldn’t consciously choose to leave. My life became an attempt to ease the burden of my potential loss. But grief was an element I didn’t anticipate. Honestly, I thought I wasn’t worth much to anyone.

The core reason behind my contemplation of life or death was shame. No matter what my parents say now, they instilled in me since infancy the value of not bringing shame to the family. Trying to live a traditional life deepened my depression.

When I began choosing the path I felt was right for me, I knew I would disappoint my family. I crafted a life that met external expectations to avoid further shame on my family. But now, knowing I cannot choose to leave, I face the overwhelming prospect of living a full life. How do I navigate this world without a clear purpose?

I learned to live in the short term, but thinking long term requires a different mindset. What’s my purpose now?

My life has been marked by extremes. I hustled for years, then quit my job. At one point, I lived in three different states simultaneously, unable to commit or always ready to jump to the next thing. I was always running. But what happens when I realize I can’t run anymore? Perfect appearances on the outside and deep emotional struggles on the inside. I was raised to believe in constant grind and perfection, but perfection is unsustainable. How do I live a life that is sustainable? 

My Purpose

Since my sister-in-law died four years ago, I’ve done a lot of soul-searching. I believe I’ve found my purpose, and it’s why this newsletter exists. I spent much of my life hiding my truth out of shame, even contemplating ending my life because of it. 

With the time I have left, I want to give back and do the opposite of how I lived. Talking about the things we often avoid discussing.

• Share what happened in my life.
• Understand why these events occurred.
• Learn how to move on.

Mental health isn’t something that gets "fixed." It’s a continuous practice, a muscle I need to strengthen to avoid self-deprecation. It’s something that I want to share with you, as I go along this journey. This journey to live.