The Weight of Expectations: Cultural Duty and Individual Dreams

My mother always emphasized that the key to happiness lies in the people around you. In our family, the ethos was clear: family always comes first. It was ingrained in me to prioritize serving others, starting with elders and extending to everyone else. 

Our family dynamic was steeped in obligations. I was expected to excel academically, show deference to elders, graduate from college, get married, have children, and grow the family. Disagreements were discouraged, with precedence given to the elders' wishes. Financially supporting the family was a duty. This was my parent’s individual plan for me. Therefore my life goal. 

The primary goal was to fulfill my parents' American dream, which revolved around their children graduating from college. My mother often spoke of sacrificing her own future for the sake of ours. Consequently, I grew up feeling a mix of emotions: obedience when meeting expectations, shame when falling short, and guilt when prioritizing my own needs.

My achievements weren’t really my successes, they were  my parents’. I believed that as well. When I graduated college, I ended up in the hospital and I hid the fact that I went. I didn’t want them to feel the shame and disappointment when their American dream came into fruition. When I paid off my student loans. I bought my parents a trip to Mexico.

Career decisions also came with familial expectations. Despite feeling undervalued in my job after several years, I hesitated to pursue new opportunities due to pressure from my parents to prioritize my relationship status over career growth. Self-care and individual choices carried a weight of guilt and shame as they diverged from the family's prescribed path.

The pressure to conform intensified as the focus shifted to marriage. While my siblings married in their 20s, I couldn't, feeling like a failure in my parents' eyes. I felt it was beyond my control. While graduating college, getting a job and being financially stable were things that I can control. Finding someone to love me and marry me, and have my children take someone else. My mother would call me and tell me to stop partying, stop having fun and get married already. This sense of inadequacy led to spiraling emotions of shame and guilt, eventually morphing into resentment.

I struggled to reconcile my individual aspirations with the family's collective priorities. The idea of being my parents' insurance policy for old age loomed large, creating a sense of obligation that often conflicted with my own desires. Despite feeling stifled, I continued to prioritize the family's wishes over my own, leading to a mental breakdown and eventual escape into Yoga teacher Training. Not telling my parents for the fear of shame. My siblings helped me hide the fact that I left the country.  

The time away from the constant pressures allowed me to take a step back, and reflect. Reflecting on my parents' journey from war survivors to immigrants, I recognize the gap between their experiences and mine. Vietnam was a different world than America. Their focus on survival and hard work were their only pillars of success. Failure could have led to starvation and death. As a result, their experiences shaped their worldview. While I saw their aspirations for me rooted in high expectations, their dreams for us were rooted in hope.

Finding balance between family expectations and personal fulfillment remains an ongoing challenge. I've come to realize that even those closest to us, like family, may not fully understand the struggles and mindset that one may have. The expectations are not built on malice or hate, but the hope that the next generation has more opportunities than the last. It's a journey of self-discovery and negotiation, learning to honor both family ties and individual dreams.