The Four Agreements Part 4 - Don't make Assumptions

This is part of a multi part series if you haven't read the first parts, please read them here.

• Part 1 - The Judge
• Part 2 - Be Impeccable with your word
• Part 3 - Don't take anything Personally

In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz's third agreement, "Don't Make Assumptions," challenges the tendency to create stories in our heads based on incomplete information. It’s a concept that’s been particularly relevant to my life.

For a refresher Watch this Video - Minute 4- 4:51 

Assumptions and Survival

Growing up in my family, assumptions were my only way of navigating the world, simply because we never talked about anything. Two truths were sacred: Don’t disgrace the family, and Ignorance is bliss.

Questions weren’t welcome from my father. When I asked for clarity, the response from my him was along the lines of, “Are you stupid? You should know. I didn’t come to this country only for you to be so stupid.” In that environment, the only way to survive and avoid punishment was to assume.

This scene from The Brothers Sun perfectly captures my relationship with my mother. You can watch it here. (I couldn't find the scene on YouTube)

Everything was always left unspoken—assumptions about what I had to do, what I was expected to do. I constantly found myself trying to anticipate what my mother wanted, always guessing, never asking.

For as long as I can remember, assumptions were the foundation of my life. It was how I survived in my family, so how could I simply stop making them now?

I don’t have the perfect answer to that, but I do have awareness. I’ve become conscious of the assumptions I’ve made in my life—and how they’ve shaped me.

My Biggest Assumption and What It Cost Me

The biggest assumption I ever made was believing I was a burden to everyone around me. That assumption led to a dark place, one that I kept secret for years.

You can read more about it here:

• The Burden of Perfection
• My Secret
• Girls Can't Have Fun

These assumptions planted seeds in my mind, seeds that made me believe I wasn’t worthy of living. And for a long time, I didn’t know how to uproot them.

Becoming What I Feared

Ironically, the very thing I grew up with—assuming—is what made me “a good girl” in my family. But the opposite—asking questions—is what made me a better consultant, a better manager, and ultimately, a better person.

Asking questions became my lifeline in another life and it was one thing that I feared the most. Questions opened up a different world for me. The more I asked, the more I understood the world around me. I started to see different perspectives and developed empathy. Instead of assuming, I learned to communicate openly and with purpose. What are things that you’ve assumed in your life that led to who you are now?