The Cost of Pleasing Everyone but Yourself
I've been raised to please everyone else, often at the expense of my own needs. I served everyone food before myself, stayed silent about my opinions, and always prioritized what benefited my parents or the family over what I wanted. Saying “No” was seen as a sign of disrespect. I was born to be a “yes” person.
As a child, I resented having to set up the party or help my mother cook food while the other kids played in the backyard. I always had to think about what I should be doing, rather than what I wanted to do. I wanted to play with the other kids, but I should have help cook, clean, and fill everyone’s beverages. The praise from other parents proved a "proud moment" with my parents. These compliments gave a level of validation that I was actually doing something right, though never coming from my own parents.
Never Good Enough
Despite my efforts, nothing I did seemed to please my mother. Whether it was mispronouncing a word, not bowing correctly, or eating too much, she always found fault. Grand gestures like buying my parents a Mexican vacation or arranging an amazing beach house for a family trip went unnoticed. My efforts were expected, not acknowledged, while my mother praised other people's children. So and so parents were so lucky to have a doctor in the house. So and so’s parents are so lucky all of their kids are pharmacists. I saw in Facebook that so and so is on their second kid, their parents are so lucky.
The Habit of Servitude
This ingrained servitude became second nature. I was always two steps ahead, anticipating everyone's needs, even at events I wasn’t hosting. This behavior seeped into my relationships and friendships, where I unconsciously put others' needs before my own. The muscle memory of servitude meant I was always trying to please others, never myself, and nothing ever felt good enough.
In dating, I felt I owed everything to my partner, striving to please them in hopes they would love me. I’d go to great lengths, like buying vacations, skipping events that I wanted to attend to spend time with them when they didn’t want to go. Going out of my way to put their needs first, even when I knew they wouldn’t reciprocate. The love and affection I felt from a partner was such a love that consumed me, that I did anything in order to keep it.
Entering My Selfish Era
Saying "No" was never in my vocabulary before, and it left me exhausted. I was constantly giving to others, both in work and life, and it left me feeling lost and unappreciated. Toxic relationshipments, and rejection from men, led me to think that I didn’t deserve love. I was never going to get promoted at work no matter how much I said yes to. I felt like I had no one. I felt like the more I gave around me, like I was raised, led only to emptiness.
When I finally quit my job to become a yoga teacher in Europe, people saw it as an Instagram-worthy life, but that filtered view hid the reality. I had nothing else to lose. I had no plans on coming back. I didn’t have a job to come back to. My parents didn’t know. I didn’t want their disappointment lingering with me during this journey.
For the first time, I did something purely for myself. I said no to work and yes to my own needs, but the leap wasn’t easy. I was terrified of my parents finding out and didn’t want the pity of everyone else, so I let people believe in the Instagram illusion, and disconnected from everything and everyone.
In Europe, I disconnected and focused solely on what I wanted, I felt a freedom I’d never experienced in my life. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, but it forced me to prioritize myself. Instead of putting all of my efforts in everyone else, pleasing myself. I was finally, listening to what I wanted. The one thing I needed was to let everything out.
Ultimately, I returned to the States, but my time in Europe shifted my mindset. I learned not to wait until things are dire to prioritize my needs. But to be aware and understand how to move forward. My advice: don’t wait for a breaking point to start putting your own needs first.