Germany Follow Up - A Recipe to Share
Instilling Knowledge
My mother instilled her knowledge to me every day until I was old enough to think on my own. She would do it casually when we were cooking. Something that was just a daily task. She would talk to me about the importance of being “loved” by everyone, what it meant by being the perfect Vietnamese Girl; pharmacy is the best degree to major in; it’s proper to keep quiet and don’t talk back; any shame that I do is reflected on the family. She would praise other people’s children for what they did, but never talked about our successes. For her own children she only talked about what we did wrong and what to do to improve, and feeling the level of disappointment.
The weight of shame and failure far surpassed any celebration of success. As I grew older, her teachings lingered in my mind, creating a judgmental voice that scrutinized everything I did.
Every time I veered off the traditional life path, a voice in my head was telling me how stupid I was, how dumb I was, how I wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t my mother’s voice, but my own.
At the time, I believed my mother was giving me advice. But advice is optional; you can take it or leave it. Recently, I’ve realized that her words weren’t presented as advice but as facts. This is how you live: school, work, marriage. This is what you’ll be: a pharmacist. This is how you act: subservient, quiet, respectful. Questioning anything was considered “talking back.” So, I absorbed these thoughts for over twenty years.
When I finally broke and left for Europe, I disconnected from my parents. We only had brief phone calls. I told them I was training in Europe. They never asked for more details, and I never volunteered any, so I left it at that. To this day, my parents don’t know I quit my job and became a yoga teacher in Europe.
The time in Stuttgart, Germany, allowed me the space to really think about my life choices. This time was what I needed in order to free my mind, I lived this rigid life for a long time trying to follow an impossible timeline. Europe allowed me to see life as a series of possibilities, not a set of predetermined scenarios.
Life is like a Box of Recipes
Life, I’ve realized, is like a recipe. Everyone thinks they have the perfect recipe for something. Once they make it, things sometimes get forgotten, and improvisation is necessary. Recipes evolve, get elevated, and constantly change.
You can follow a recipe or you can make one. This isn’t the perfect recipe, it might not be the recipe for you, but I’m realizing that I’m still trying to figure it out.
This is my recipe for: Shifting my Mindset
I've separated this recipe to 3 steps. Learning, Internalizing, and Taking action. This is not a set recipe, but the beginning steps of something more.
Learning
Book Recommendation - The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz -
- Be Impeccable With Your Word
- Don't Take Anything Personally
- Don't Make Assumptions
- Always Do Your Best
This book gave me a different foundation of living life.
Book Recommendation The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma - Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D - This book explores how trauma remains in our bodies and can be passed down from generation to generation. It has helped me understand the underlying reasons for many aspects of my life, including my anxiety and the constant feeling of being in survival mode. This book didn't give me the excuse of "this is who I am" but, it gave me the freedom to understand why and that I have the capability of changing.
Internalizing
Writing my book made me consider my mother’s perspective, giving me space to understand a different viewpoint. Over the years, I’ve thought about writing a second book, reflecting on both my life and my mother’s. Without intending it, it gave me Empathy with my mother.
My mother didn’t act out of malice or bad intentions. She survived a war, immigrated to a new country, raised five children, and pushed them all to go to college. Given her background, she did what she knew to survive and raise her children. How can I resent someone who only tried her best?
Taking Action
Yoga - I can’t always escape to Europe to shift my mindset. The yoga room has become my sanctuary, providing the space to think and breathe.
Finding Community - I’m still working on this one. Talking helps, and writing allows me to think and process.
