Be Your Own Light in a World of Darkness
Life is hard. No matter how perfect it looks on Instagram, everyone struggles with demons, doubts, and dreams. For most of my life, I thought I was the only one failing while everyone else had it figured out.
I grew up constantly comparing myself to others—what they had, what I lacked. I questioned everything. Why did my parents hold me to impossible expectations while my peers seemed free? Why did the world listen when others spoke but dismiss me as insignificant? I was told to "go back to my own country," made to feel like I didn’t belong. Over time, I started believing this was normal.
I’ve spent more time in darkness than in light, and looking back, I realize I wasn’t just fighting against an unkind world—I was unkind to myself. The endless scroll of social media, the spiral of self-doubt, the exhaustion of proving my worth—it all pulled me in. The weight of negativity always felt heavier than the fleeting lightness of joy.
What Happens with Moments of Light?
For years, my escape was a distraction. Drinking, partying—anything to avoid feeling. And when that wasn’t enough, I considered leaving this world altogether. Even during life’s so-called milestones, I felt nothing. I spent my college graduation night in the hospital. My birthdays were hollow. On my wedding day, I had panic attacks. If I couldn’t feel joy when I was "supposed" to, what hope did I have of finding it anywhere else?
As a child, I was taught that life is suffering. My mother told me, we are born crying, and we die in pain. The rest is just survival. And for a long time, I believed that was all there was.
A Change in Perspective
But what if we stopped labeling everything as good or bad? What if we let go of black-and-white thinking and simply let things be?
We can’t have sunshine all the time—it burns us. And we can’t stay in darkness forever—it suffocates us. Life isn’t about choosing one or the other; it’s about learning to navigate both. But when you’re drowning in despair, finding the way out feels impossible.
The world is not here to save us. It simply exists. It presents opportunities, but it’s up to us to see them. The world doesn’t conspire against us—our perspective makes it feel that way. And if I don’t like the world I see, what can I do to change it?
I can only control one thing: myself. I can change my small corner of the world. And for me, that change comes through writing. Even though it makes me vulnerable, it’s better than doing nothing. Writing is the one thing that gives me light in a world that often feels dark.
Finding My Light
When I think about pure joy, it’s not in grand, cinematic movie moments, but moments when everything in my world seems to be at peace, and for a moment I feel at peace.
- Finishing my book and feeling the release of my emotions after a whole lifetime of holding in everything.
- Completing the Son Doong cave expedition. After 2 years of training.
- One particular dinner with friends, when I looked around and realized this was my chosen family, and I had all the support I needed.
Maybe I feel like I need to earn my joy. To work for it, to struggle first. My moments of light are rare, but they’re mine. They are my hope, and these moments are the moments that help me move on working for the next moment.
Instead of fearing that the sun will burn me, I’m learning to appreciate it when it shines—like a clear sky after a month of overcast. Just letting the moment be.
I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know if I ever will. But I do know what happens when I do nothing—I become trapped in my own abyss. I’ve realized that changing the whole world is overwhelming.
In my darkest moments, I let the world shut me down and keep me in a corner. But I’m still here. I’m still learning. And in that process, I’m learning that I can be my own light.
I spent much of my life planning my death. Now, I’m trying to figure out what kind of world I want to live in. Writing is my flicker of light, my small hope that I’m making a difference—even if no one is reading.
What’s your light?